I Give Up!!!

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!

I am not sure about you other mommies, but I often feel like in all aspects of my life, no matter how much I do, it is never enough.  Here are some examples.

Children
Princess and I have been going through some growing pains lately.  She seems to be testing her limits and mostly with me.  Plus, she as developed a bit more of an attitude and I seem to be the target for most of her sassiness.  I am trying to just stand my ground without losing my temper (which I am often unsuccessful at) but I am trying.  Anyways, this past weekend on Friday I wanted to make the day fun for the kiddos.  We went to the park in the morning, took Princess to get chicken nuggets at McDonalds and went home to watch WildKrats while we ate lunch before rest time.  Well Princess throws a FIT because she wants to eat at the coffee table and not the breakfast bar to which I told her no- I am such a mean mommy.  After rest time, which Princess refused to take, we went to the neighborhood park, played, Princess rode her scooter home but stopped every two seconds because she was "tired" so finally I picked her and the scooter up and carried them home (while pulling the wagon with Angel Baby in it)- again she LOST IT because she had wanted to ride her scooter.
On Saturday, I took Princess to The Lorax while Angel Baby napped.  We had a great time and my faith was restored that she was a wonderful, sweet child.  Until it was time to leave and she broke down crying because I threw the rest of her sprite away.  I was then "that mother" walking through the mall with a child kicking and screaming.

Here I am trying to do fun things and each time it results in a meltdown!  I give up!!!!

Family, work, etc.
Then there all the other aspects of my life that no matter how hard I try I still feel like a failure.  The house is never clean enough.  The laundry isn't done.  I don't call enough.  We don't travel enough to see everyone.  I am not at work enough (this is mostly from jealous co-workers who are pissed I only work part time so I could really not care about this last one).  I spend/don't make enough money.  Anyways, you get my point- it is never enough.

Luckily, I have a husband that tells me (on most days) that I am doing a great job, a family that loves me even if I am terrible about calling, friends that no matter how long we go without speaking when we do talk it is as if no time has passed.  Finally, my children, as much as I feel like they do not appreciate me now- I know they love me more than anything because even when I am punishing them and I am the bad guy, I am still the only person they want.  And one day they will appreciate me and will be sweet and loving and successful so I just need to stay strong.  But that does not mean I don't still get frustrated!!!!!

Working Mom

I was asked to do a guest post on the following blog www.butidohavealawdegree.com-check it out - it is one of my favorites.  I just think all us mommies (working and SAH) need encouragement so it is nice to be reminded we are not the only ones who struggle at this whole balancing act.

Here is my story.  I am mother of two wonderful (and exhausting) children, a Navy Wife, a part-time attorney, daughter, sister, friend- like many of you readers, I am trying to do it all.  Which I believe only multiplies the amount of guilt I feel!

I often wish I could talk to my 20 year old self and tell her to really reconsider her career choice.  At the time, I just was not ready to be done with school and I wanted to know I could always support myself.  I was not thinking like a mother and certainly not like a Navy Wife (ie I have already taken 2 bar exams and will probably have to take at least 2-3 more before it is all said and done).  I just don't believe that at 20 we should have to decide what we are to do for the rest of our lives.  I luckily have found a wonderful nanny to love my children when I am not there and a small law firm that allows me to work only 4 days a week and recognizes the importance of my family and how that will always take precedenc- but this unfortunately is the rarity in the legal field and in 2 years time I will be moving again, starting over again, building a reputation again, all the while trying to make the move as seemless and easy on my husband and children as possible.  Because besides being an attorney, I am a Navy Wife.

As my fellow Navy Wife once said, I am the happiest married single mother there is.  My husband is an excellent partner and an amazing father.  I was once told to marry a man who you would be happy to have a son just like- and I would be thrilled if my son is as wonderful as my husband.  But with the nature of my husband's job, he is gone ALOT.  When my daughter was 6 weeks old, he left for the first time.  I was in the throws of post partem depression, am a type A so was freaking out on how I was going to care for the baby and  had no family close.  But I survived because if there is one thing us military wives are it is survivors.  Now, I need to clarify because as far as military wives are concerned I have it rather easy.  The longest my husband has every been gone straight since we have been married is 3 months.  He has never deployed for 12-18 months, or gone to Afghanistan but you do live in fear that it will happen.  Plus, he comes and goes alot which is hard to explain to little ones who have no concept of time.  I do not write this post as a pity party, more as informative of what military wives go through and how no matter how you try, there is no civilian job that compares.  That being said I am very blessed- my husband has a great job that he loves and is proud of and in which he is secure which is a rarity these days.

Most importantly, I am a mother.  My children are the most important things in the world to me and I would give anything to protect them and care for them.  I work, not because I want to, but because I have to in order to provide them with the security that I oftentimes did not have growing up.  I don't want them to be spoiled but secure.  I want to teach them to be sweet but strong and independent (but not so independent that they move far away from their mommy); to be smart but not smart-alecs; to be respectful but question what is not right- but most importantly I want them to know they are loved and how special they are and I think as a working mom this is the hardest as I feel like I am constantly leaving them!  Which brings me to the guilt I mentioned above.

Guilt- no one tells you as a mother, how much guilt you would feel.  I feel guilty about going to work (eventhough I have to), about losing my patience with my children when I have only been home an hour, wanting time to myself even though I have been at work all week, not keeping the house clean enough, not staying in touch with friends,  not working out, letting my children watch tv, serving my son cheese puffs and yogurt bites for dinner and the list goes on and on.  And my husband never feels any guilt it seems- I think men are just missing that chip.

But despite all the guilt, I would become a mother again in a heartbeat (in fact I want a third baby now but that is a whole other post).  It is the most exhausting yet rewarding job there is.  And frankly it is reading blogs like Shannon's that make me feel that I am not alone in my worries as a mother.  What I try to remind myself of daily is that God made me exactly the mother that my children needed- and he (unlike me) does not make mistakes.

I am a soccer mom!

This past weekend was Princess's first soccer game ever and I was so excited.  A little background, I played soccer growing up and all through high school and I am uber competitive.  Not just about soccer but most sports, games, etc- please I am an attorney, you don't get this job by being passive.  Anyways, Princess said she wanted to play and I have to say she is quite the natural. She is small for her age (still wears 2 or 3 T even though she will be 4 in August and is only 28 pounds) but she is fiesty.  I was worried though because she is quite hard on herself and does not like when others take things from her, get aggressive, etc.  she would not actually like "playing" soccer.  Sure enough during practice she kept losing control of the ball and started crying because she was not perfect.  However, I was determined that my child would not give up (see competitive above) so I figured she just needed some extra encouragement :)

My husband was home with Angel Baby since it was nap time so I was both cheerleader and videographer.  The entire video you can hear how "enthusiastic" I was- lets just say if there a reality show called "soccer moms" I would use this video as to why I should be considered for the role!  I was so proud of my little one and not only was she fantastic she scored the ONLY goal!!!!!  Since my cheerleading skills surpass my videographer skills, I missed the goal- in fact I taped the entire game up until the goal and when she scored all you hear is my screeching cheers and no video as the battery had died.  But even without the video I will forever remember that moment as one of my proudest as a mommy- and my adorable little Princess just continued to jump up and down and even threw in a little fist pump, yelling "I did it, I did it"- and boy did she.

Another funny story from the game to show that my child really does have superior skills and I am not just being biased- there was another little girl on the team who was quite good herself except she has not gotten the concept of not touching the ball with her hands.  Well before the game her parents did not really talk to me (in fact they looked at me like I was nuts to be honest); however, after witnessing Princess's raw talent the dad came over to me just ranting and raving about my star soccer player and how we needed to be friends because our girls were definitely going to play club level.  I just shook my head and smiled but I really was about to crack up laughing- club level?  was he serious- my child is 3- I was just thrilled she made it through the game without crying or peeing her pants!

I guess I would not be cast in the reality show "soccer moms" after all.  

Thank you random stranger!

I will admit- with my second who for purposes of this blog will be called Angel Baby (even though this is not always an accurate characterization but if I believe it maybe it will become true) I sometimes get a little overwhelmed. Angel Baby is a true second child and a boy to boot.  Which means he is incredibly strong willed, does not listen the way my first did, but at the same time has a personality that everyone loves.  I often feel that when I have both kids in tow I look that "that mom"- you know the ones I am talking about- that look strung out and you just hope to yourself that you never look that her.  She looks like she has no idea what she is doing and her kids are just running the show.  For instance, this morning I took both kids to Kohls and it was appropriate that I had on workout clothes because by the end of the trip I was drenched in sweat.  This older lady just shook her head at me as Angel Baby was screaming to press the buttons at check out and I just wanted to yell- "what are you looking at- do you remember what it feels like to have a 22 month old and 3 year!!!!!"  She probably could have been written about in my last post titled "Stupid People."  However, a little while later, a perfect stranger surprised me and made my day- read on.

On Fridays, my three year old who we shall call Princess takes gymnastics.  As a working mom whose only day to stay home besides the weekend is friday I try to overcompensate and make sure we always do something fun on that day to make up for the 4 I am not there.  I really should be running errands but I just can't do that to my children on our one day together.  So I enrolled both in gymnastics- Princess goes by herself and Angel Baby and I are in the mommy and me class.  Well lets just say Angel Baby is not very into the mommy and me class- he does not want to do what our class is doing, he tries to join other classes and basically I spend the entire hour chasing him down and trying to keep him from running into the bathrooms.  At gymnastics, there is a viewing area for the parents to sit who do not have to be in the gym with their little ones- I often feel like the entire viewing area is staring at me and Angel Baby with either pity or confusion and wondering what the hell I am thinking.  But today, when I was about to just start crying because I had to take Angel Baby outside AGAIN to tell him to listen to his teacher or he could not go back in- a wonderful stranger walked by me and said- "you are a good mom"  It was like God was speaking to me telling me I am doing my best and to not give up and boy did I need that.  Angel Baby did not all of a sudden become the perfect student but he did participate and we survived and for once I did not feel like someone was about to call child protective services on me- I consider that a win!

Stupid People

This post is not going to be nice.  You will find as you stay tuned to this blog that by Thursday afternoons I have had it.  For four days, I have been dealing with clients and other lawyers and unfortunately in my line of work that means my phone conversations and interactions end up being quite frustrating!  I will share some highlights - a client who for weeks has been asking me to file his divorce papers, calling everyday to see if his wife had been served, emailing constantly, telling me way to much information about the affair his wife was having (WAY TOO MUCH), had her served, the next day he calls to ask me to file a Dismissal- they are working it out.  Don't get me wrong I am happy they are going to work on their marriage but really- did you have to email me all weekend????

Next, a DHS worker who basically tells me my client is just being dramatic because they are upset that their child has had lice the entire time in the foster care system (almost a year) because all kids get lice at some point- um NO!!!!

The client who for the 20th time asks what the status of his case even though he has an outstanding bill of $6000 and  have told him repeatedly that nothing will be done until he pays- yet he still looks at me dumb founded- every time.

Or the opposing counsel who calls me "little lady" or "darling" or says I make his blood pressure rise because I argue with him- really?  can you believe men still treat professionals this way- ugh.

I will admit this- I do not actually like be a lawyer most days- there are moments here and there but I should have known that when I did not like most people in law school I would not like alot of my fellow attorneys or the practice of law.  Now I do like my job- meaning I like my coworkers, I like the arrangement (4 days a week) and I like the paycheck.  But overall there is alot I would rather be doing and I dream of my future career change- maybe a counselor, physician assistant, hair dresser- who knows, but it is fun to dream, right?

Truth be told most days I can maintain a positive attitude because if not being happy with my career choice is my biggest cross to bear I am pretty darn lucky.  I repeat to myself "You do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do"  and I try and plan vacations, shopping trips, buy toys for my kids etc to have things to look forward to remind me why I do this.  But by Thursdays, when I have been away from my kids for four days straight and dealt with one too many "stupid" people- I tend to loose that positive attitude.  So here is to Thursdays - my most frustrating yet best day of the week because now I leave work and am a mom only for 3 days straight!

Little Moments

My post today was going to be all about my lack of sleep since children; however, I had the most uplifting morning so I thought I should capitalize on this positive energy I am feeling and share as we all know the lack of sleep situation is not changing anytime soon and rest assured there will be post about such sleep issues in the future.

Why was my morning so wonderful you ask?  For no particular reason it just was.  It was one of those rare mornings when everything seemed to be smiling at me- I actually slept well (refer to above re: sleep issues), my children both woke up happy, I had one of those beautiful little moments right before my babysitter got there where both kids were sitting on my lap, cuddling with me while we watched blues clues and I just thought to myself life does not get better than this; I went to file stuff at Court and everyone I encountered smiled at me- maybe it was because of my bright pink shirt and cute scarf, maybe I had something on my face, maybe my butt looks really good in these pants (I like to believe the last is true) but for whatever reason everyone seemed happy and that feeling is just contagious; the weather is gorgeous; and all in all I have everything I could ever dream of.  So for this morning I am very content.

Now have no fear new readers- I will not always be spewing rainbows like I am this morning.  But I feel as overworked mommies we need to take advantage of these little moments where we feel like things are going our way and we are doing a good job.  There are still plenty of things I need to work on- ie I did not get up to do the elliptical this morning so my butt is still way to big- but for this morning instead of feeling guilty (which is a constant in any mother's life) I am going to feel blessed that I have a husband who loves me even with my dimples (and I am not talking about the cute kind my kids have!)

So here is to hoping you all have a positive day - and if not, that you can remember back to your last little moment and that will carry you through!

Welcome to my Crazy Life

This quote (thank you pinterest) kind of sums up how I feel on most days and what this blog will be about- forgiving myself for not doing it all perfectly and being pretty sure on most days I am doing it wrong.  Although that sounds depressing I am confident it will be both entertaining and inspirational.  Because if I am nothing else, I know I can provide a good laugh!  Hope you read it and send others to read it and that you can learn from my experiences even if you are only learning what not to do!